can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i will never coherently bang her
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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