Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
