it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
