Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
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When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
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On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
FUCK WHALES
Randomize