um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I was woken up at 6 am by a second grader trying to give me a sweatshirt for a pillow
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
You have not lived until you've slid down a waterfall fucked out of your mind. Fact.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
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