I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
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