I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
when does round two start
I don't know, I gave up bartenders for lent
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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