dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
