Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
