My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
