I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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