you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
