Say something about gay babies.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
Don't EVER smell your tampon
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Please tell me I was just dreaming when I asked if I could borrow your jesus dildo
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
Randomize
