Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
All I remember is being lured out to sit by the fire by you holding a piece of pizza in front of me
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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