This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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