Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Everything that you guys said happened came back to me. like a tidal wave of regret.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
