kristin has been a bad kristin
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
