K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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