You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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