i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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