How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
I think she's going to be dangerous to drink with, but I'm ready for the adventure.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize