I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
