her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
