Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
If I do nothing else today, the fact that I talked you into this is achievement in itself.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
