He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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