Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
