ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
