I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
He's bringing condoms over for me in case we "bone".... the fact he calls it boning is not a great start.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
