I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
