Are we in a gay sports bar?
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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