new low.... made out with someone while peeing
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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