i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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