All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
