why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
I wanted to say, you're welcome for your orgasms, thanks for not returning the favor, Needledick
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
Randomize
