drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
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After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
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