fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Well my night just got interesting. I just home from the police station. Hope you had a fun night out!
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
