she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
I had to remind him that there is no "age exchange rate" between the u.s. and spain, and that 16 will always equal 16
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
