So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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