In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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