apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
