so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.