I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
am i morally bankrupt?
no. its just the recession
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
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Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
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It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.