I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
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