I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
