Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
