She tied me up with her honor cords...
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
