i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
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