Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
Randomize
