I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
