i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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