I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
