hotel room ftw
I wannas sexs uuuuu
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
