I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Blow job season was short but glorious.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Blacked-in to me, shirtless, giving myself finger guns in the mirror and rapping "stacks in the club stacks stacks in the club."
Randomize
