i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Hippo gnu deer
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
