im about as happy as oj after his trial
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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