Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
