im about as happy as oj after his trial
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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