The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
Randomize
