Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
